I’m hitting a new low today. I am not sure what is happening. I am not sure what to expect. Suicide seems like an option again, it’s in sight. I feel overwhelmed at work, people keep asking how I am doing and I just say “good.” I can’t begin to explain how difficult it is for me to keep up, to stay the course, to maintain the drug endued mania I am experiencing at the moment. What do you do with these thoughts? It’s been a long time since these thoughts have been so colorful and prominent.
I have yet to fine a therapist or psychiatrist I am compatible with. I am not seeing anyone that can help this sickness with medication or therapy.
I am scared, alone and empty. There is no one to fill that gap, no one to express my true feelings to, therefore I use tumblr and the internet in general.
Debts from my first manic episode (2007) are finally catching up with me. They are coming at me fast and furious. I am drinking more than usual and from boxed wine… yes wine in a bag and shoved into a box. Not a good sign!
I am panicking. I can’t breathe when I sleep, I can’t breathe when I’m at work. Valium at Xanax aren’t working or at least I don’t want to take them at work.
My mother. My mother keeps me alive. If I were to commit suicide it would hit her the hardest. It would hit everyone I know, I’m sure, I hope. But, I know, the hit to her would be the greatest. I cry because I am stuck… keeping my mother happy, but want ing to die, not at my own hand, but if it came to that I suppose it could be an easy option. I love you, mom. Hurting you is the hardest thing in the world to do.
Suicide is my decision, it’s my freedom, it’s my choice. Have the feeling of resolution. Those I leave behind will have time, will learn from my experience and actions. This decision is deep and calculated. I love all the people who have contributed even the smallest element to my life.