terribly confused.

friendship.

It was wonderful to spend some time with friends, eat, drink, laugh some and watch some movies. 

Flighting thoughts of suicide stil  plague my mind. I never told Jacqui or Katie about them. I don’t want them to worry about me. Jacqui knows a little be more about the stress I am dealing with at work. It’s not that Katie wouldn’t understand, it’s that Jacqui and I both work in corporate environments where operations employees work tracked, analyzed and coached. 

I know suicide is probably not the answer but it’s though thing i feel will shut my thoughts down. I can’t stop thinking about it. THe are many options available. 

For now, I will keep myself highly medicated on valium and xanax.

rhythm. silence. difference.

I’m hitting a new low today. I am not sure what is happening. I am not sure what to expect. Suicide seems like an option again, it’s in sight. I feel overwhelmed at work, people keep asking how I am doing and I just say “good.” I can’t begin to explain how difficult it is for me to keep up, to stay the course, to maintain the drug endued mania I am experiencing at the moment. What do you do with these thoughts? It’s been a long time since these thoughts have been so colorful and prominent.

I have yet to fine a therapist or psychiatrist I am compatible with. I am not seeing anyone that can help this sickness with medication or therapy. 

I am scared, alone and empty. There is no one to fill that gap, no one to express my true feelings to, therefore I use tumblr and the internet in general. 

Debts from my first manic episode (2007) are finally catching up with me. They are coming at me fast and furious. I am drinking more than usual and from boxed wine… yes wine in a bag and shoved into a box. Not a good sign! 

I am panicking. I can’t breathe when I sleep, I can’t breathe when I’m at work. Valium at Xanax aren’t working or at least I don’t want to take them at work. 

My mother. My mother keeps me alive. If I were to commit suicide it would hit her the hardest. It would hit everyone I know, I’m sure, I hope. But, I know, the hit to her would be the greatest. I cry because I am stuck… keeping my mother happy, but want ing to die, not at my own hand, but if it came to that I suppose it could be an easy option. I love you, mom. Hurting you is the hardest thing in the world to do. 

Suicide is my decision, it’s my freedom, it’s my choice. Have the feeling of resolution. Those I leave behind will have time, will learn from my experience and actions. This decision is deep and calculated. I love all the people who have contributed even the smallest element to my life. 

ZMT.

how do you keep your mind from thinking suicidal thoughts?

unsure.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

My bank accounts all have holds on them. My debt situation is getting overwhelming. I need to pay it all off or I’ll be living like this forever. I told my mom that they are frozen because of fraud. I believe that once Monday come I can contact the attorney collecting the funds and make an arrangement with them. I hope I can make payments to the firm and settle this without going to court! I never even knew I had a court date and I was never served papers, but I just want it to all go away. 

At work people have their own apartments or homes at my age and their able to also finance new cars and credit cards. What did I do? This bipolar has completely screwed me. My decisions were horrible and now I am paying for them. 

This was a horrible week I hope everything turns around next week. Let all just home everything is better next week. 

vicodin.

The benefit of dental work is 1) paid time off of work, and 2) the vicodin prescribed for pain. The doctor prescribed it unknowing that it may also life my spirits soem for a small amount of time. 

Last night I went out with friends… with last minute notice. I didn’t really want to, but I like to spend time with Katie. She seems to make me feel better about my self. Like pills, she is a friend that I can trust and talk to. I want to cry with her. I want to let her know what I am a little unhappy where my life is. I enjoy that she has stability in her relationship, so much so that I feel a part of her ‘family” I consider Jay a good friend, someone I can also talk to, someone who is knowledgeable., cultured and experienced. 

Why do I feel a sense of emptiness, weakness, worthlessness and as if I am drowning, overwhelmed with work and have a short temper at home. 

Tomorrow is brunch with Katie and an old friend Laurel who has been spending most of her time since high school in foreign countries doing a handful of things, I will learn more about that tomorrow. We a re going to a place that Katie and i love! She was the one to introduce me to it. Amazing food and cheap bottomless mimosas. It sa sad that this is what I look forward to, that this is the only thing that gets me excited. 

On June 10th I got back t college for two courses, well they are online, but still they’re classes to me. THey will add to my degree, hopefully increase my GPA and get my on the grad school. If I don’t get crazy and kill myself before then… I am still thinking pills and alcohol, that would be the painless and more preferred method of suicide. I am so tired.

think about the slice.

I am still thinking about cutting and other forms or self harm. I have been trying to fine a therapist or psychologist, but I cannot seem to lock one down. Maybe it’s in my head, but maybe I’m just too busy. I have amore than full-time job and it’s difficult to find reasons to leave early or come in late to go see a shrink, no matter how much I would like to. 

My friend just released today that she is now married to a boyfriend who has been on and off and previously abusive. I can only think that this is going to be a very bad idea. I have loaded myself with wine and I am going to bed. I will think about this tomorrow!

do you count the days with your pill box?

I take pills in the morning, I take pills before bed. This is what keeps me central, what keeps me sane. My box is half blue for the evening and green for the day. Each day has it’s own box labeled with the first three letters of the day. On Wednesday nights I refill my pill box and then I know it’s nearing the end of the week. Few know that I highly rely on these small, chemically built, neurotransmitter driven, powerful pills. 

Each day I take my pills and remind myself that it’s a new day. I also look at the case and think… “How many weeks have I gone through the same routine with this pill case?” It’s really been through a lot through me. I would never know my meds without it. Call me crazy, but my pill box is my calendar. 

depression is heavy.

I am going crazy. I don’t know if I am on track at work or if I am way behind where I should be or in comparison to my coworkers. It’s making me anxious and depressed. It seems like everyone is going on vacation, relaxing and getting away from it all… except me. I just had to drop a pretty penny for auto maintenance. At least now I know I will be able to drive somewhere out of town if I would like to. I am afraid of breaking down and going manic again. I am loosing myself again. I am on a treadmill constantly running to meet deadlines and get high numbers.  I love this job, but it may at some point become toxic. This is making me sick.

anxiety.

I feel so much anxiety. I can’t understand why. Work is good, but of course stress comes with the job. I feel stressed about doing things wrong or letting people down. I feel like I can’t catch up and I shouldn’t admit it to my managers, although I know they would want me to come to them if I am feeling overwhelmed with the workload… I am still easing into this position and I still have a learning curve to overcome. I am especially stressed with these rush loans. They need so much work and so fast that it’s almost impossible to take care of any of the other 54 loans in my backlog. Thank God tomorrow it Friday!

when alone…

There is something comforting about being all alone, but at the same time being alone can add significantly to depression and suicidal thoughts and actions. I have thought many times of parking my car in the garage, closing the door and revving my engine as the exhaust billows out of the car. I can inhale it slowly and fall asleep assured that I will never wake up. Because, who would come to my rescue? Who would know the trouble I am putting myself in? Do I even know what trouble I could be putting myself in? what if I don’t die? what if I and in a coma or somewhat brain dead and thus must rely on others to sustain a life I dont want to lead? So many questions are posed. I trust myself and I trust the world. I still, after many years, think this will get better, they’ll come along. I know that I am in a better place, at least financially, than many of my friends and even family. For some reason this is reassuring to me. I dont know why.